Josephine Fechner Copyright 2008 Tracey’s Secret Wish PDF download

Tracey had long, swishy hair. It went all the way down to her waist. When Tracey tipped her head back, she could even make the tips of her hair touch her bottom. Everyone at church, at school and in her street told her how beautiful she looked. ‘Like an angel,’ said Mrs. Dorton, next door. ‘I had hair like yours, when I was young,’ said old Miss Clover, Tracey’s Sunday school teacher. Miss Clover’s hair was grey and boofy now, like many of the old ladies at church. Tracey’s big brother Malc didn’t like her hair, because it made some people think that Tracey was older than he was. But he did like showing off his pretty sister to his friends. Tracey’s mum also had long, swishy hair. She could put it in a French plait all by herself, and sometimes did Tracey’s hair so they matched. Tracey didn’t know any other mothers whose hair matched their daughters’. Tracey gazed at her mum and tried hard not to think about her secret wish. But Tracey was tired of her swishy hair. Every morning, mum had to tug and pull so it felt like there were tiny people playing tug-of-war with her head. ‘Ow!’ Tracey said, and squeezed her eyes tight to block out the pain. Tracey’s mum brushed gently, but it still hurt. ‘Nearly finished,’ said mum, ‘your hair is as elegant as a Christmas tree!’ Tracey chewed on her bottom lip and thought about her secret wish. When Tracey and Malc rode their bikes to school, Tracey’s swishy hair flew up in the wind. She imagined it gliding along like a superman cape behind her. But when she arrived at school, it was all tangled again like it had never been brushed. Tracey stomped across the playground and thought about her secret wish. Tracey’s best friend Hannah always waited under the biggest pine tree for her. Hannah had short black hair, the kind that stuck out when her mum tied it in pigtails. Sometimes she wore pink ribbons in it, too. Hannah’s hair never got tangled up. Tracey looked at Hannah’s hair and thought about her secret wish. Tracey’s swishy hair was the longest in her whole class. When they played hairdressers, everyone wanted to do Tracey’s hair. ‘I’m next!’ said Georgie. ‘And then me!’ said Melissa. Tracey watched the boys playing kites and thought about her secret wish. Sometimes, Tracey ate watermelon for afternoon tea. She loved the pink juice and the scrunch sound when she ate it on hot summer days. But her hair always got sticky, glued itself in clumps and stuck to her face. When that happened, mum made her wash it, even if it wasn’t a hair-washing day. Tracey squeezed the shampoo bottle hard and thought about her secret wish. One time, Tracey was unpacking her books from school. As she zipped up the backpack, a big strand of her swishy hair fell down and got caught in the zip. Tracey tried to pull the hair out, but it was stuck. She tried to tug the zipper open, but it was stuck too. Tracey was about to call her mum for help, but then she saw her dad’s scissors on the desk. Tracey stared at the scissors and thought about her secret wish. Tracey picked up the scissors and looked at the hair caught in her bag. ‘I won’t be beautiful anymore,’ she thought, ‘but maybe…’ She closed her eyes and snipped the scissors. When she opened her eyes, there was more hair on the ground than had been stuck in her bag. Tracey showed her mum the hair she had cut off. ‘Oh Tracey! Your beautiful hair!’ said mum. Tracey looked at her shoes and hated her secret wish. ‘I’m sorry mum. Now I can’t be beautiful like you.’ Mum took Tracey’s face in her hands, and looked into her eyes. ‘You are beautiful, because you are Tracey,’ she said ‘and I love you, no matter how long your hair is!’ Tracey blinked, smiled, and hugged her mum. It was time to tell her about her secret wish. Tracey whispered it into mum’s ear. Mum smiled. ‘Guess what?!’ she whispered back, ‘that’s my secret wish too!’

	Tracey struggles with a secret wish she has and doesn’t know how to tell mum about it. For Children of 6-8 years of age.Get a professionaly formatted PDF file of this story from here. Single A4 PDF sheet with illustrations, suitable for classroom use.You may use this story to photocopy or print for your students or friends, but you may not sell them or publish them without permission.

“There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: A time to be born and a time to die, A time to plan and a time to uproot, A time to kill and a time to heal, A time to tear down and a time to build, A time to weep and a time to laugh, A time to mourn and a time to dance, A time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, A time to embrace and a time to refrain, A time to search and a time to give up, A time to keep and a time to throw away, A time to tear and a time to mend, A time to be silent and a time to speak, A time to love and a time to hate, A time for war and a time for peace.”

Building Confidence

From an early age it’s pounded into us we’re taught that we’re not good enough. Not handsome enough, not affluent enough or whatever. And so, we spend years of our lives chasing after these things.

A day might come where you realize that you’re actually not bad looking and/or that you’re not bad off financially either. So you start dating girls. It’s easy. You see, most people are lonely and everyone is lonely in various seasons of their life.

The point is that you gain all this confidence and then one day you meet this girl. She’s the most amazing girl! Like no one you’ve ever met before. She’s smart, she’s beautiful; she has integrity and is always looking out for others before she ever bothers to look out for herself.

This is when you’re crushed. After all those years of building confidence in your physique and learning and social standing; you realize that you’re not good enough for this girl.

“For physical training is of some value, but godliness has value for all things.”

Now love wouldn’t be true love if you can’t love her despite her faults or if she can’t love you despite your failings.

Love isn’t always that ‘floating on clouds’ feeling. No, love must be tested and proved. You want to know if this girl would love you despite your faults, your ugly history and despite you’re not having paid close attention to your character as you have to your physique and consumer life-style.

Refining Love

You need to test her love for you.

Partly because you love her and don’t wish to be in a relationship with someone who you have to keep secrets from and partly because you want to know if she really loves you enough to stick by you once knowing who you really are.

Chances are that she still will love you. Love is blind they say. My friend tells me “True love can’t exist without blind love.” I believe he means that if we weren’t blind in the beginning, we would too clearly see the faults of others and never risk our hearts with them.

Men seem to believe that people don’t change. “Once my good opinion is lost, it’s lost forever” is how Darcy said it in ‘Pride and Prejudice’. But women often seem to believe that people can change. And thank God for that!

You’ll probably find that this girl you love has more faith that you can and will change than you do yourself.

Young men often have this belief that they are a great catch for any girl. In fact, many men never really grow out of this. I’ll bet crusty old Donald Trump still believes that he’s a great catch!

This girl though, shatters your self perception and you’re starting to realize some truths about yourself.

Realizing Self

Your struggles begin!

In less than 5 seconds you’ve already questioned yourself on the following:

1. Can I be forgiven?

2. Can she forgive me?

3. Can I change?

4. If yes – how do I change?

5. If no – do I need to and will she still love me?

6. How long does it take to change and how can I be sure that I’ve changed?

7. Is it right to change because of a girl?

8. I have other reasons to want to change but how can I be sure if I never fully changed before this girl? Would I have changed without her?

9. Should we continue our relationship while I change?

10. Do I even love her for her or do I only love her because of her goodness?

11. But isn’t her goodness a large part of who she is?

… and more

Right about this time you disappear for a few days and she’s worried sick; wondering why you’re not answering your phone.

Seasons Change

Finally you meet this girl again. She’s happy (she thinks) but she has no idea why you’ve been gone for days with no words to comfort her.

You came back for two reasons:

1. You realized that change in yourself is possible
2. You still really love this girl and do really want to spend much of your time with her

You want to change – but don’t know how to yet, or if you’ll succeed! You love this girl but don’t want to let her remain emotionally attached in case you can’t be the man you know she deserves.

Over dinner she knows that you’re not fully present and she wants you to explain this. But you can’t explain all that to a girl. They think differently to guys. And you can’t explain it anyway when you’re debating in your own mind whether you should break up with this girl or not. You don’t know if you should or shouldn’t because both occurrences have the same logical reasoning.

“I love this girl too much to stay together – because she deserves better.”

“I love this girl too much; we should stay together – because I will always look out for her.”

And thus it’s proved that logical reasoning is not always absolute. For you can’t grow or discontinue the relationship from here without a little trust, faith or taking some chances.

I guess some decisions just need a little emotional help or some of what we call ‘women’s intuition’! And time! Trust, faithfulness and chance are like gemstones. Requiring time, diligence and patience before you’ll see them shine.

“Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.”

All quotes taken from the NIV published by Zondervan

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8, Romans 5:3-5, Timothy 4:8

Some feelings are difficult to describe. One of these is how a woman can make you feel.

Meeting a woman is at 3,000 meters is best.

3,000 meters will clear your senses. Unlike sea level where it’s so easy to be breezy. Less oxygen at 3,000 meters forces our senses to work harder and thus clearer. At 3,000 meters it’s not to difficult to breath, but it’s difficult enough to make us concentrate harder and pay greater attention than we would if we were at sea level.

The thing about women is that meeting her gives a man a strong desire to climb mountains for her and with her.

Meeting a woman at sea level, is rarely any good. Many have given up their desire to climb mountains because life is breezy by the sea.

Meeting someone at 3,000 meters means you’ve already experienced some of the climb and can now see more clearly the mountain waiting to be conquered.

Those you meet at sea level may be planning on taking an entirely different direction to you but those you meet at 3,000 meters are already moving in the same direction as you.

The sea level woman may be fabulously gorgeous, but her beauty is difficult to see if you decide to climb different mountains. So you both decide to stay at sea level (it’s easy and breezy at sea level anyway) and you miss seeing how she’d look as she climbs.

Believe me; the climb always accentuates woman’s beauty.

But we’re supposed to be talking about how a woman can make you feel.

You’re halfway up the mountain, you meet this woman and you both continue to climb further.

As you climb, the oxygen thins and it becomes more difficult to breath. Climbing higher, your heart and chest starts to ache – you want to stop because it hurts so much and by this stage you can hardly breathe at all. But each glimpse of that woman climbing with you only strengthens your resolution to continue climbing.

Higher again, the lack of oxygen is no longer only affecting your breathing but it isn’t getting to your brain and you struggle to think clearly. You no longer remember why you’re climbing – you only remember that this is what you want, so you still don’t give up.

You forget every desire and infatuation you’ve ever had, because you’ve never been this high before with anyone.

Pretty soon your head is in the clouds and you can no longer see where you’re going.

It becomes necessary to hold hands as you climb so you aren’t separated.

They say “there are plenty of fish in the sea” but we’re not at sea level now and if you lose her at 5,000 meters, it’s unlikely you’ll meet another who speaks the same languages. You will have to finish climbing that mountain yourself or trek down a few thousand meters.

Many of you I’m sure have experienced this and know that it’s not enjoyable.

So hold that hand.

Even though you’re struggling to breathe and your chest aches. I’ll bet she’s feeling it too, and she needs your hand just as much as you need hers.

So hold that hand!

The greatest thing about climbing is that the higher you are, the more people to rely on each other. Not only those you’re traveling with, but with the people you meet on the way; those climbing and those who live there.

It often seems to me that those at sea level are content to care only for themselves. You can’t see very far from sea level. It may seem that opportunity abounds, but you’re not seeing very far.

Mountains from sea level look small. It’s easy to leave climbing them for some other day.

There is no other day.

There is only today!

And don’t believe that you’ll climb them once you’ve met a woman. You can’t hope that someone else is going to change you. If you’re not climbing and she’s not climbing, what makes you think you’ll start now? What if they’re expecting to change because of you? They probably are. Don’t believe that you’ll be the reason someone else will change either.

Or on the other hand, there’s a woman you desire but she’s at 2,000 meters. You think “she’s out of reach”, and you’re probably right. But perhaps the only reason she’s out of reach is that she’s climbing and you ain’t. She’s put effort into getting up the mountain and it’s going to take a very interesting man to make her turn around and climb down to sea level. She’ll only come down or wait for you if she sees you climbing.

Start climbing.

The easiest way to measure how high you’ve climbed in life is by how much those around you support each other. Many measure your height by your monetary worth. But money can’t fix everything, believe me, I used to try. Many times it didn’t work.

Now I’m climbing.

I can’t breath.

My chest hurts.

My heart aches.

I can’t always see where I’m going.

Soon (I hope) I’ll be holding her hand (never to let go).

I love people who climb mountains. They generally can’t be bought. They’re not at the top yet, and they’re focussed.

And we can’t buy those once they’re at the top, for we’re still at sea level – those at the top don’t like the view from sea level any more. Maybe we’ve more money, status, fame, or whatever…

…but the view from the top, the company and the satisfaction at the top are priceless!

You won’t let yourself be bought once at the top.

This is how a woman should make a man feel.

‘Yea’; oft is the grandest answer I did ever giveth mine papa.

Knee caps once were all I could see without looking heavenward with mine eyes. And mine papa loved to ask me questions. And I would sayeth ‘Nay’

‘Can you mow the lawn?’

And ‘Nay’ I respondeth.

And then I was tortured on the rack. I am sure of it, for the scars on mine back surely are proof of this.

So now mine head is in the clouds. Most must climb a mountain just to speaketh with me. Not all do. But mine papa doth.

And doth thee know what he sayeth to me?

I will tell thee. Still he asked of me a question.

Though his questions are greatly improved, I still respondeth ‘Nay’.

Mine computer has many interesting things to behold. The internet brings to mine bedroom ten thousand things with every blink.

And mine papa asks. And I sayeth ‘Nay’.

But now mine father has what he needs. And what he wanteth would relieve mine wallet of more weight than it hath.

There is nought I can giveth to mine papa.

And so I sayeth ‘Yea’, for it is all I have.

And I find that it is enjoyable to share lunch with mine papa.

If ‘Yea’ were answered more oft; mine papa and I would have dinned out more. And one day mine papa will not ask me anything – for he will not be here.

And I will remember those times I did answer ‘Yea’.

I realise that I have one other father who will never leave. And He doth also ask me questions. And I doth sayeth ‘Nay’. But when I sayeth ‘Yea’ I doth enjoy the consequences of mine answer.

Since there is nought I can give God - mine other father. It is best that I answer ‘Yea’ when He doth ask me.

And it is more enjoyable than sharing lunch with mine papa.

Let’s talk about love!

Most of the time, I love my glamour girl because of how I feel. But even though I feel ‘in love’, I am still choosing to love her or to continue loving her. Feeling ‘in love’ just makes my choice to love her easier.

Though I feel ‘in love’, it is still my choice to love my glamour girl which takes my feeling of being ‘in love’ to a truer reality of love. Often when I don’t feel ‘in love’ I stop loving glamour girl for a time.

Do I stop loving glamour girl because I don’t feel ‘in love’, or do I choose to stop loving that person as a result of not feeling ‘in love’.

Asking myself these questions I find that to love is a choice.

Before we go any further, let’s define love. This is difficult enough to have its own essay - which I may write at a later date – but for now, let’s use a Greek word for love - Agape.

Love defined |

Agape love is unconditional love. Unconditional love requires a sacrificial lifestyle to attain it. Basically, if you are to love anyone this way, you are to show love to them even when you don’t wish too, and even when you must sacrifice something to continue giving them love.

Keep this definition of love in mind as you read this essay.

Needing love |

I want to be loved and feel loved. I desire it and I need it. Because I desire and need love so badly, I look for it everywhere. I cross oceans looking for it and spend time in chat rooms with people who I don’t even know - hoping for a moment of love. I want it so badly that I even try to heighten my ‘love’ senses by watching love movies, reading magazines, fantasizing or taking drugs and more.

This makes me wonder… what percentage of my acquaintances have actually found love. And from those who profess to know love, I wonder what their definition of love is.

Verb vs. Noun |

Many people tend to believe that love is a feeling. The contemporary Christian band, DC Talk has a song titled ‘love is a verb’. A verb is an action, and shouldn’t this be what love is? Acting upon your feelings to show your love requires choice. No action is taken without making a choice.

What good is it to say you love somebody if you can’t back it up with action? Like the song ‘more than words’ by Xtreme, if you really want to love, there must be an action and for every action there is something you must sacrifice.

This is why I say that to love (according to the above definition) requires a choice. To stop loving also requires a choice. If I stop loving glamour girl, I find that it’s because there’s something I want back. Usually it’s my time or my money, but sometimes it’s my sanity. There probably aren’t many people who would sacrifice their sanity for love without having a feeling. When I think back to when I felt ‘in love’, I find hundreds of examples where I acted a fool to prove my love to the glamour queen (women need to see love proved).

Why is it that I am so willing to sacrifice my sanity for someone when I feel ‘in love’, but not when I don’t feel ‘in love’?

I’ll let you answer that one…

Blind love |

We all know the adage ‘love is blind’, implying that we make stupid choices when we are ‘in love’. When I feel ‘in love’, I start making choices based upon ‘in love’ feelings, rather than making choices that are best. It seems that no matter what my glamour queen does, I can’t help but love her anyway. And this is good! Provided I’m not being conned, I’m loving her unconditionally (note that adding ‘ing’ to a word makes it a verb).

But when my ‘in love’ feeling goes, I find my thoughts, and wish for self preservation and self desires rather than those of my glamour queen. I begin sacrificing her desires for mine, she stops feeling loved and reacts toward me in a similar fashion. We start to wonder where the love went, and tomorrow we divorce!

Once the feeling goes and I’m running logically, I have to actively make choices to continue loving my glamour queen if I am to keep the love and feeling.

Love spring |

So where do my feelings initially come from anyway?

Perhaps you’re going to tell me that I don’t know the first thing about love, that you can have love at first sight – that I need to really know what it’s like to have that feeling from the first moment. By all means tell me, but read on first.

A friend once told me that he would not want to marry a Thai girl, because as a developing nation he was worried that she would only ‘love’ him for his money. He wanted true love; he wanted someone to love him for whom he was.

I asked him why he thought that a Thai girl would only want him for his money. He responded, “Isn’t that why they are attracted to white guys?”

I answered “mostly yes” but asked him, “Why are white American girls attracted to you?”

We came up with a few possibilities. His looks, his charm, or his popularity were a few. So I asked him “Aren’t you worried that your white girlfriend doesn’t love you for whom you are, but rather loves you for your looks and your popularity?”

He admitted that “Yes, it takes time for someone to know him very well, which means that he can’t be loved for whom he is until they really do know him.”

My instantaneous ‘in love’ feelings aren’t showing love, and I’d be deceiving myself if I ever believed otherwise. I’m not condemning these instantaneous feelings – they’re great feelings, but I want to be careful to separate who my glamour girl really is, from those initial appearances which tempt me to love her in the first place. I get to know my glamour girl because of those instantaneous feelings.

Let me ask you this…

If you never had those initial feelings about someone, would you give up on trying to find someone to love?

These feelings help us to find someone to love. But those first few feelings of mine aren’t true love until I decide to choose to love that glamour girl despite how I may feel in future.

The command |

The bible is a great place to find quotes on love. As a refresher, I looked some up. Surprisingly, I found that all quotes on love in the bible are commands.

Corinthians commands men to “love your wife”, and Jesus Christ said to “love your neighbour as yourself.” And nowhere does the bible end these commands with “… when you feel in love”

I often wondered why the bible doesn’t tell children to love their parents but rather “obey your parents.” It occurred to me that children don’t yet know what it is to love.

Children know what it is to be loved, and they can only show love as they have been taught by their parents. Ever noticed that parents must tell their children to ‘love’ others, to share with others and treat their friends as they would be treated. A child loves his/her parents because they are looked after by them. It isn’t until a child is older will s/he realise that they love their parents because of who they are rather than because their parents are their provider (incidentally, this is how love works with Jesus Christ and his Father and us – though some people never get past the childhood understanding of love – always asking for something as a child would in a candy store and feeling emotionally down if they don’t get it).

So what am I to do?

I’m commanded to love, but I don’t always feel like giving love.

This is why it’s a command. I can choose to love despite my feelings and as I learn to love more, my feelings will grow. In fact, I have found that when I choose to love even when I don’t feel like it, I start to love loving and don’t necessarily need others love to keep me happy. I find that I needn’t rely solely on others returning love to keep me happy, or to keep me feeling ‘in love’.

To stay healthy, I’m going to love. I’m choosing to love, despite how I feel. And I’m going to learn to love when it’s necessary and correctly weather I feel ‘in love’ or not.

Happy ending |

The love movie never really ends does it? It usually ends when Elvis gets the girl (Elvis always gets the girl). The movie stops when both Elvis and the Girl feel ‘in love’. Ever notice how he has a new girl in every movie? Obviously he didn’t follow through on my choosing love principles. Though you can’t blame him for that..

…I hadn’t written this essay yet!

I’m going to explain what friends will receive and should expect from me. If you’re not yet my friend and are contemplating adding me to your repertoire of acquaintances, be sure to carefully read through the following 9 points and accept the terms.

In an age where we require documentation for everything, I feel that this is very important and will only help to improve the society in which we live.

1 | Social Obligation

Friendship requires one to be social. I see it as my responsibility to talk to you about everyone I know. Sharing their secrets and telling all of what they did. Some like to call this gossip or slander. Social obligation has a more pleasant ring I feel.

2 | Bonding time

When spending time together, I will ignore all others (unless she’s - cute in which case I won’t be listening). This will make it difficult for others to pass us in the mall or on the side walk, or pretty much do anything easily within our vicinity. This is because we will never watch where we’re going but instead carefully thinking only about what we want and what we’re doing. Looking out for those around us when we’re with friends is not showing friendship to our friends at all.

3 | Happy hours

Despite the sign ‘Happy Hour’ (singular), our nights out should be long. I keep this in mind each time and will encourage you to have just one more and to stay a little later. I assume that you want to look like me and be like me. If I succeed, you should show the following attributes: beautiful round gut, difficultly getting up in the morning, lack of concentration at work, forgetfulness and laziness around work and home and lastly lose all self motivation during daylight hours.

4 | Hosting and visitation

When visiting you, I will make every effort to help you be a wonderful host. I will not bring anything nor pay for any meals. I will use your water, food, electricity and even expect you to pay for transport when you take me somewhere for my tourly pleasure. I do this because I know you want to display your friendship in monetary terms and since I’m traveling, I have less money than you do.

If you’re visiting me, I will expect your help with the groceries, transport and other costs. This is because if you’re traveling you have obviously saved money to do so. Naturally you have more money than I do at this time. As my friend I assume you want to bless me if you’ve traveled halfway around the globe to see me.

5 | Money

At times when we’re traveling together, I will never use a ‘kitty’ – after all, we’re friends and trust and respect each other right? At the end of meals etc., I will wait for you to order the bill so it’s delivered to you. I will then always reach for my wallet slower than you when paying is necessary (incidentally, this is called the ’slow draw’). This is to help you display your generosity and love publicly.

6 | Discourse

What you say is important but remember that it takes two to converse. I thus will wait for breaks in your discourse to air my own facts and opinions of which I don’t know where I’ve learned or what encouraged me to take the stance in the first place. Every remark you make, I will respond in 1 of 2 ways. 1- Immediately disagree and/or improve upon what you have said. As you are my friend, I feel it’s my responsibility to be your critic so you may learn from me. 2. I will suggest ways in which to fix your problem, starting with the most obvious - those which you have already thought of. Then I’ll move onto the impossible and ask you why it’s impossible. Often I’ll tell you that it’s not, even when I don’t know the full story.

7 | Sharing

Sharing is very important in friendship, when I’m bored or sad, I will do my utmost to make you bored and sad. When I’m happy – I will ignore your emotions and try to make you feel as happy as me. My emotions and feelings also hang upon how you treat me. I feel that you are responsible for my happiness. Sharing is very important.

8 | Taste and opinion

To improve your social status, I will help improve your taste and opinion in everything. If I prefer my wheet-bix soggy, I will make yours soggy as well. I will tell you what clothes you should wear – I should know because I read all the latest magazines on famous people and their do’s and don’ts with fashion. Often you will find that you’re not wearing something you’re comfortable in, eating foods that you dislike and going to places or spending time with people whom you hate. But be patient, this is for your own good. I know what you like and should like better than you do.

9 | Contact

Your emails mean a lot to me. I spend months thinking what to reply and will inevitably reply with an apology for replying so slowly. I will refrain from telling you any news at all. But, during times when I’m traveling to exotic places I will be sure to email you every 2 days or so with lengthy, unedited, poorly written emails telling you how much more fun my life is than yours.

Further notes:

You can now see how much of an effort I make to retain good friendships with you all. I hope that you can now clearly understand why I much prefer to spend time with myself. It’s stressful to make sure I go out of my way to achieve my 9 goals in our relationship.

Note: FOR MEN ONLY

All women, please refrain from reading.

It’s a well known rule world over that women want to be happy.

There’s also a well known untrue fact that women are expensive. Date a girl, show interest in a girl and you will be sucked dry.

Men believe this because men are stupid.

So I’ll say it again. Women want to be happy.

Now, if you aren’t making your woman happy, she’s going to try making herself happy.

Shopping is probably one of the most common symptoms of unhappiness in women. Naturally all women love to shop but how much they spend while shopping can help you to gauge how happy she really is.

So how do you stop her from shopping all the time?

Buy her stuff.

No! Stop thinking that. See I told you men were stupid.

Make her happy and she will shop less. She’ll probably still go out with friends and such, but she’ll spend less on non-necessity items.

But shopping is like an addiction. For those of you who have failed to give your woman happiness for an extended period of time can expect withdrawal symptoms. This woman of yours is likely to start shopping less frequently, but during bouts of unhappiness will purchase well and above the usual quantity of non-necessity items.

This principle is best for those of you just starting to woo a woman.

So here are a few ideas to get you started.

How to make your woman feel special on a shoestring budget?

Disclaimer: This article isn’t written as a tool to help you men to become stingier than you already are.

Hint #1 | Use the correct brand of oil regularly

If you’re planning on sticking with your woman for any lengthy period of time, it’s imperative that you know her craving. Every woman has a craving for some item, and once you’re married it will be your responsibility to supply these (double the quantity during PMS season). If you’re married and you don’t know what your wife craves… you suck.

These are not piggy bank breakers. Women I know crave some of the following: Lays chips (mother), sugared almonds (sister), cheese (friend), dried squid (friend).

A man was buying flowers in a florist when the customer next to him says “Got wife maintenance to do, do you?” He turned and responded “Nah man, pre-maintenance”

If you don’t want to have to make major repairs to your woman, you’re going to need to keep her regularly oiled.

Her ‘crave’ substance is her brand of oil.

Hint #2 | Let her help

This hint also explains why even a jack-ass can get a woman.

Women love to help. They want to be useful, they want to be helpful, they want to feel as though they were part of something and did something to help it come into being.

Broadly speaking (women stop reading this paragraph) it seems to me that women find the easiest way of being a part of something is to ‘tweak’ her man so that he is better able to accomplish what it is he’s trying to do.

Basically, a woman sees a mans potential for what he could be (or do) rather than only what he is at the time she meets him.

When the man eventually becomes successful, she knows that she was a part of it.

So let your woman help. And let her know that you ‘need’ her help. She needs to feel needed. In many cases, this will also get you out of trouble. When she’s ranting and raving try saying something like, “Babe, I really need your help with this.”

If she doesn’t want to help; Dump her.

Hint #3 | Talk backwards

This is actually quite hard to do for men. It amazes me how all women seem to be able to do this from such an early age.

You’re going out to eat with your wife and she says “Are you going to wear that?”

Real meaning: “That’s inappropriate, wear something else.”

Appropriate response: “No, do you think you could help me find something appropriate Babe?” (Note hint #2)

Women talk backwards. So here I’ll give two examples talking backwards. The first is how to compliment a woman and the second is how to insult a woman.

Case study 1 | Alighting from my motorcycle I turned and said to the girl on the back that she “…sits very well on the bike, it hardly feels as though she’s on there at all.” She gave me a smile and said “Thanks, that’s a really nice compliment.” On further interrogation it became clear that what she heard was “I think you’re not fat!”

Go figure.

By the way “Have you lost weight?” works just as well as a compliment when said bluntly.

Case study 2 | At lunch, a friend was telling me how his wife had been away for a month visiting relatives and on returning she had changed her hair style. My friend didn’t observe this (what man in his right mind would?), and she felt insulted by the fact that he hadn’t said anything.

Make sure you ask your woman at regular intervals “Did you do something with your hair?” or if you want to play it safe, you can say “Oh, your hair looks nice today.” <!–[if !supportLineBreakNewLine]–> <!–[endif]–>

Hint #4 | Mr Collins technique

Women love flattery. When it’s over the top they may feign not liking it, but they do. Or over time they forget that it was over the top and they just remember that you say pleasant things to them.

Mr Collins in ‘Pride and Prejudice’ says that he prepares flattering comments ahead of time to use when the time is right. Everyone laughed at him for this, but the truth is, unless you’re eloquent in speech, it’s something that you may have to put some thought into so you can also use it at the appropriate time.

Remember to give your prepared statements as unstudied an air as possible.

Hint #5 | The written word

This is possibly the cheapest way to make your woman feel special. Leave her notes or send her a letter. A posted letter, even if you’re in the same house will make her feel fantastically approved of and thus happy.

Sometimes when I go overseas, I’ll have written letters to friends before I even leave. You never have time to write when you’re away working. So I can then send my letters while away and she will sincerely believe that you while you were working, you couldn’t help but think about her the entire time; so much in fact that you had to write her a letter.

WARNING!!! | NEVER make promises in writing. Women remember everything you say as it is, and putting something on paper that you may not do is just foolish. As men we have to be very careful of this because we’re stupid and can easily err.

End |

Talking about women is extremely exhausting. I think I’ll go take a morning nap to regain my energy.

If you can learn these principles perhaps I’ll feel obligated to type up some more hints at a latter date.

Or you can make a woman happy with a piece of silver jewellery my sister and I sell on Ebay. I love the frangipani/plumeria collection. www.josephineclare.com

We only stock high quality genuine silver jewellery at very good prices.

This week I figured out what it takes to make a real man!

How you spend your day is really all that matters.

Get up and rush your morning, leaving just enough time to get ready and drive to work. This should be timed perfectly arriving to work 2.5 minutes prior to or after you’re due to start. This gives you a 5 minute window.

Believe me! There are thousands of men out there who can do this.

Spend all day at work. Try to sit in the same desk all day without moving. This proves that you have stamina. The man who sits without moving away from his desk longest, obviously is more masculine. It’s also great for your back and your heart.

While at work, make no effort ever to get to know your managers or your boss. This is called brown nosing and makes you look foolish with a bad attitude to well honed office social communication manners. Treating your manager as a human being will be treated as ‘brown nosing’ news by fellow colleagues.

Gossiping (the opposite of brown nosing) about your managers is far more useful and in many cases, seems to act as a miracle drug for breaking down social barriers. It also gets you kudos. If you get caught and get ‘off easy’ your kudos rating doubles.

The perfect time to leave work is right on 5pm or a couple of minutes before. Experienced men actually stop being productive at 4.30pm. I’ve even known some in my time, who stop being productive at 4pm.

Or you can leave after 7.30pm. But remember that this can appear to be brown nosing, so be sure to save meaty tid-bits for the next gossip session. This gets you more masculinity points because you sat in one spot longer than others but aren’t labeled as a brown noser.

After work, the gym is the only place you can go to earn more man points. Make sure you find a park as close to the entrance as possible. This makes it easier to get in and out of the gymnasium. It also minimizes the amount of time you have to spend walking.

The gym serves two purposes. You have a trainer who tells you how great you’re doing. All men know how hard it is to feel like a man without your gym trainer reminding you that you are a man.

Secondly: those muscles make you look like you work around the house and garden. Be sure to imply to others that you don’t actually work around the house and yard. You don’t want to look like a ‘kept’ man or a mama’s boy after all. This would seriously affect your man rating. It’s best to keep them teetering as to weather you do actually help out at home or not.

Arriving home with dinner on the table after your work-out is totally manly. This proves your manhood; because your woman (or mum) is looking out for you. Basically people understand that she respects you and cares for you so much because she knows you love her and spend quality time with her. The more time spent away from home but still having dinner prepared for you gains extra kudos for every 15 minutes away.

This is totally cool! Chicks dig it and it’s the easiest way to get those extra needed kudos.

The next day wake and do the same.

For work days, repeat as necessary.

Friday nights are best spent at the pub with friends. The later you stay and the more you drink; the better a friend you are to your mates.

Sunday is your day off. Watch sport, or spend time with friends. Don’t do anything else because tomorrow you work and preserving energy is necessary to earn manly ratings throughout the week.

Saturdays has an entire different set of rules but I’ve run out of space.

If you can’t wait for my article on ‘Gaining Manly Points on a Saturday’, go figure it out yourself.

My Loveliest Freedom,

(A letter to my ex lover - Freedom - I had to leave her when I took a full time job after freelancing for 5 years)

We’ve had a good run! I wish it could have lasted longer. Sincerely I do. This letter isn’t a palm off; please do not take it as such.

Truthfully, I love you. I really do. But you know… sometimes love just isn’t enough.

The future that is mine can no longer be sacrificed just so I can be with you indefinitely.

Our five years together will always be in my mind. Together we went so many places and did so many things that were always unusual and exciting.

And most importantly, you took care of me always - that is - as best as you know how.

And now I have something to teach you – please do not take this the wrong way, but use this to improve yourself for your future relationships.

Sometimes Freedom, you can be suffocating. And this is partially my fault as well. I was blinded by your easiness and your sensuality. I fell in love with you so badly that I sacrificed almost all I had to keep you by my side.

I also loved the attention that others would give me while we were together. Others also found you sensual and this made you even more sensual knowing that others wanted you.

A friend of mine once said that if she had you, that she would be “fully prepared to have you for life.”

To stay with you, I had to give up a lot. Now, I find that perhaps I have given up too much to keep you with me.

But I prefer to think - and I think it’s true - we have run our course and we’re both, ready for change. We are both ready for a new partner.

Though; I am certain that I will think of you often. I don’t’ flatter myself to think that you will think of me at all.

I will miss you for a very long time. For the rest of my life most probably and I never expect that I will ever have such a long affair with you again.

Perhaps from time to time we’ll have a short lived fling. But please keep it from my girlfriend. Girls detest lazy men.

You’ll forever be in my memories.

Love you,

~ Nathaniel.