Nathaniel Laiet

Contents | Introduction | Street Creep | Competitors Edge | Hi-Salute | Colour Correction | Leftist Propaganda | Quality Check | Blind Faith | Hierarchy | Community Obligation | Slow Turn | Road Rage

Introduction | If you’re going to Thailand for a trip, chances are you’ll want to rent a car or a motorcycle to tour around and see the sights. Here I have composed some of the standard laws for driving in Thailand in English since most information on Thai traffic law is disseminated in the Thai language.

Street Creep | When making a turn, be sure to keep edging forward so it looks as though you’re about to merge into traffic. This causes all on-coming traffic to slow down meaning that it’s going to take longer for you to actually merge. This is great when you’re looking for a legitimate reason for coming in late for work.

Competitors Edge | When a car has stopped in front of you (to turn for instance), you must mosey to the edge of the road to pass quicker. This slows all the traffic behind you allowing you to stop them from going where they want to go just as quickly as you. This doesn’t get you passed the car any faster. You still have to wait for them to turn, but at least you can be satisfied that the cars behind you are equally frustrated.

Hi-Salute | When a car is on the highway waiting to do a U-turn, it’s imperative that you give them a hi-beam salute to temporarily blind them. They weren’t going to come out in front of a car going 140kph on the highway but if they were, they sure won’t now that you’ve blinded them.

Colour Correction | When the green lights turn orange, speed up. When the lights go red it’s still safe to go through. Just keep going until a car coming from a different direction forces it’s nose in-between you and another car.

Leftist Propaganda | Every street in Thailand is a two way street on either side. Feel free to go against the traffic on either side of the road to get where you want to quicker. Better yet – don’t watch out for traffic coming on from the side roads or for pedestrians crossing the road. I was hit once by a motorcycle coming down the wrong way. One of the most pleasant traffic experiences I’ve ever had in Thailand.

Quality Check | When someone in front of you has done something wrong, over take them and glare at them through the window on your way past. This helps them to become better drivers.

Blind Faith | When in the mountains, always over take on blind corners. This proves that you drive by faith (if you’re Christian, this proves your belief in God’s faithfulness), or for Buddhists it proves that you strongly believe in Karma (whatever will happen will happen).

Hierarchy | All luxury cars have right of way in Thailand. Luxury cars are only second to cars with an official police/army badge. The hierarchy thus, looks like this.

1. Luxury car with police/army badge
2. Standard model car with police/army badge
3. Luxury car
4. Everyone else (No right of way – on pain of death). Badges are available ’special price for you’ at the night bazaar.

Community Obligation | There’s an art to talking with the police when you’re pulled over for something like not wearing a helmet (why would you?) or driving through a red light (why wouldn’t you?).

Mostly, remember it’s all about relationships and helping each other out. My recommended line is this, after enquiring about the policeman’s family ask him “how can you afford to send your children to school in a job like this?”, he will then start moaning about how difficult it is. “Here, let me make a contribution to your children’s education” you reply.

Now we’re on our way again.

Slow Turn | Don’t bother learning how to drive your car well in Thailand. There’s no need to know the turn radius capabilities of your car. Just slow down to an almost stop at every turn you take.

Jay Turning | It’s perfectly ok to turn right from the far left lane or turn left from the far right! No indicator is necessary. All the drivers behind you know exactly what you have in mind.

Conclusion | If this helped you understand how to drive better in Thailand, remember to leave your comment, digg it, stumble it or something.

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Road Rage | And for a little seriousness. Road rage is actually quite easy to overcome. When driving, believe that you’re only driving with others in mind. That is to say, concentrate on doing everything you can to make it easier for others to drive where they’re going. If everyone had this attitude, the road would be a much safer place. But in the meantime, having this mental attitude oneself helps combat personal road rage and you’ll feel better when you arrive at your destination.

I’m going to explain what friends will receive and should expect from me. If you’re not yet my friend and are contemplating adding me to your repertoire of acquaintances, be sure to carefully read through the following 9 points and accept the terms.

In an age where we require documentation for everything, I feel that this is very important and will only help to improve the society in which we live.

1 | Social Obligation

Friendship requires one to be social. I see it as my responsibility to talk to you about everyone I know. Sharing their secrets and telling all of what they did. Some like to call this gossip or slander. Social obligation has a more pleasant ring I feel.

2 | Bonding time

When spending time together, I will ignore all others (unless she’s - cute in which case I won’t be listening). This will make it difficult for others to pass us in the mall or on the side walk, or pretty much do anything easily within our vicinity. This is because we will never watch where we’re going but instead carefully thinking only about what we want and what we’re doing. Looking out for those around us when we’re with friends is not showing friendship to our friends at all.

3 | Happy hours

Despite the sign ‘Happy Hour’ (singular), our nights out should be long. I keep this in mind each time and will encourage you to have just one more and to stay a little later. I assume that you want to look like me and be like me. If I succeed, you should show the following attributes: beautiful round gut, difficultly getting up in the morning, lack of concentration at work, forgetfulness and laziness around work and home and lastly lose all self motivation during daylight hours.

4 | Hosting and visitation

When visiting you, I will make every effort to help you be a wonderful host. I will not bring anything nor pay for any meals. I will use your water, food, electricity and even expect you to pay for transport when you take me somewhere for my tourly pleasure. I do this because I know you want to display your friendship in monetary terms and since I’m traveling, I have less money than you do.

If you’re visiting me, I will expect your help with the groceries, transport and other costs. This is because if you’re traveling you have obviously saved money to do so. Naturally you have more money than I do at this time. As my friend I assume you want to bless me if you’ve traveled halfway around the globe to see me.

5 | Money

At times when we’re traveling together, I will never use a ‘kitty’ – after all, we’re friends and trust and respect each other right? At the end of meals etc., I will wait for you to order the bill so it’s delivered to you. I will then always reach for my wallet slower than you when paying is necessary (incidentally, this is called the ’slow draw’). This is to help you display your generosity and love publicly.

6 | Discourse

What you say is important but remember that it takes two to converse. I thus will wait for breaks in your discourse to air my own facts and opinions of which I don’t know where I’ve learned or what encouraged me to take the stance in the first place. Every remark you make, I will respond in 1 of 2 ways. 1- Immediately disagree and/or improve upon what you have said. As you are my friend, I feel it’s my responsibility to be your critic so you may learn from me. 2. I will suggest ways in which to fix your problem, starting with the most obvious - those which you have already thought of. Then I’ll move onto the impossible and ask you why it’s impossible. Often I’ll tell you that it’s not, even when I don’t know the full story.

7 | Sharing

Sharing is very important in friendship, when I’m bored or sad, I will do my utmost to make you bored and sad. When I’m happy – I will ignore your emotions and try to make you feel as happy as me. My emotions and feelings also hang upon how you treat me. I feel that you are responsible for my happiness. Sharing is very important.

8 | Taste and opinion

To improve your social status, I will help improve your taste and opinion in everything. If I prefer my wheet-bix soggy, I will make yours soggy as well. I will tell you what clothes you should wear – I should know because I read all the latest magazines on famous people and their do’s and don’ts with fashion. Often you will find that you’re not wearing something you’re comfortable in, eating foods that you dislike and going to places or spending time with people whom you hate. But be patient, this is for your own good. I know what you like and should like better than you do.

9 | Contact

Your emails mean a lot to me. I spend months thinking what to reply and will inevitably reply with an apology for replying so slowly. I will refrain from telling you any news at all. But, during times when I’m traveling to exotic places I will be sure to email you every 2 days or so with lengthy, unedited, poorly written emails telling you how much more fun my life is than yours.

Further notes:

You can now see how much of an effort I make to retain good friendships with you all. I hope that you can now clearly understand why I much prefer to spend time with myself. It’s stressful to make sure I go out of my way to achieve my 9 goals in our relationship.

This week I figured out what it takes to make a real man!

How you spend your day is really all that matters.

Get up and rush your morning, leaving just enough time to get ready and drive to work. This should be timed perfectly arriving to work 2.5 minutes prior to or after you’re due to start. This gives you a 5 minute window.

Believe me! There are thousands of men out there who can do this.

Spend all day at work. Try to sit in the same desk all day without moving. This proves that you have stamina. The man who sits without moving away from his desk longest, obviously is more masculine. It’s also great for your back and your heart.

While at work, make no effort ever to get to know your managers or your boss. This is called brown nosing and makes you look foolish with a bad attitude to well honed office social communication manners. Treating your manager as a human being will be treated as ‘brown nosing’ news by fellow colleagues.

Gossiping (the opposite of brown nosing) about your managers is far more useful and in many cases, seems to act as a miracle drug for breaking down social barriers. It also gets you kudos. If you get caught and get ‘off easy’ your kudos rating doubles.

The perfect time to leave work is right on 5pm or a couple of minutes before. Experienced men actually stop being productive at 4.30pm. I’ve even known some in my time, who stop being productive at 4pm.

Or you can leave after 7.30pm. But remember that this can appear to be brown nosing, so be sure to save meaty tid-bits for the next gossip session. This gets you more masculinity points because you sat in one spot longer than others but aren’t labeled as a brown noser.

After work, the gym is the only place you can go to earn more man points. Make sure you find a park as close to the entrance as possible. This makes it easier to get in and out of the gymnasium. It also minimizes the amount of time you have to spend walking.

The gym serves two purposes. You have a trainer who tells you how great you’re doing. All men know how hard it is to feel like a man without your gym trainer reminding you that you are a man.

Secondly: those muscles make you look like you work around the house and garden. Be sure to imply to others that you don’t actually work around the house and yard. You don’t want to look like a ‘kept’ man or a mama’s boy after all. This would seriously affect your man rating. It’s best to keep them teetering as to weather you do actually help out at home or not.

Arriving home with dinner on the table after your work-out is totally manly. This proves your manhood; because your woman (or mum) is looking out for you. Basically people understand that she respects you and cares for you so much because she knows you love her and spend quality time with her. The more time spent away from home but still having dinner prepared for you gains extra kudos for every 15 minutes away.

This is totally cool! Chicks dig it and it’s the easiest way to get those extra needed kudos.

The next day wake and do the same.

For work days, repeat as necessary.

Friday nights are best spent at the pub with friends. The later you stay and the more you drink; the better a friend you are to your mates.

Sunday is your day off. Watch sport, or spend time with friends. Don’t do anything else because tomorrow you work and preserving energy is necessary to earn manly ratings throughout the week.

Saturdays has an entire different set of rules but I’ve run out of space.

If you can’t wait for my article on ‘Gaining Manly Points on a Saturday’, go figure it out yourself.

Dear God,

Tomorrow is the end of my freedom as I know it. After 5 years of freelancing, traveling and having full control over my schedule; tomorrow I find myself persuaded by circumstances and the owner of a print company to take a job.

Before I begin working, there are some issues I would like to talk through with you.

Obviously I will have less personal time than before and I hope that you open opportunities for me to complete my personal tasks during work hours. This will enable me to spend more time with my family after hours if I so wish to. If I don’t wish to spend time with them (which is most often the case) I have this spare time to spend at my leisure.

I hope god that you have prepared my future colleagues hearts there to accept me and love me so we can have an easy transition and so my work load will be minimal.

Lord you can see that many of my friends are already earning large wages. I pray Lord that You would grant me favour so that I may also have a salary as high as theirs. I pray You would give me the skills enabling me to surpass their wages even.

I ask for this, not for myself but so that my friends can see how You have blessed me that they would be urged in their hearts to convert to Christianity.

And Lord, I will need patience. Please supply me with this in abundance, because I know that I will have to put up with many incompetent fellow workers and bosses.

Lord, I won’t come see you for another 3 days. Tomorrow I will be far too tired after my first full day of work and the following day is a public holiday. I wish to make the most of it.

Actually maybe we can meet again in a week or so.

I’ll call you.

~ Nathaniel

God, I’m tired. The last few weeks I can’t help but think how selfish I am. Having this thought continually on my mind makes me tired.

Please take it away. Or help me become less selfish.

You can see how selfish I am! Even my prayers to you – like now – I pray for myself.

I can not remember the last time (if ever) I prayed for somebody else.

Now?

Now you say? I could start now?

This is a good idea. There is no better time to start then now.

Well firstly I would like to pray for my father. Please help my father to be less selfish. Help him to see his selfishness. During these school summer holidays, he has been arranging daily activities for some of the orphans at the orphanage he volunteers at.

He brings them around to our house and they are so noisy and disruptive. To make things worse, my father always comes and asks if I would like to help teach them woodworking, Chinese, classical guitar or some other activity that he has forced me to learn from an early age.

I find it most upsetting if I’m watching a movie. This happens most days because I usually watch 1 or 2 movies per day. His selfishness is making it difficult for me to meet my daily needs.

Please help my father to see his selfishness so he may deal with it effectively.

I’d also like to pray for my mother (praying for others is much easier than I thought it would be).

My mother! She’s also selfish. She is always trying to get me to learn all these life skills. Like my life really depends on them. She says she’s worried that I won’t have the necessary skills to look after my future wife. When in truth, I know she just wants me to do more house work or something so that she doesn’t have to do it herself.

She also makes me pay board to live under my own parents roof! She is my mother isn’t she? Aren’t parents supposeed to look after their kids? I think 32 is a good age to start paying board or move out. Don’t you think my request reaonsonable God?

Please talk to my mother about this.

Well thanks for inspiring me and teaching me to pray for others.

I feel much better already and much less selfish now.

Till next time,

~ Nathaniel

Dear God,

I’m sorry I’m so late. Well I’m not ‘really’ late. We don’t have an appointment of anything but I know I’ve got an open invitation to come and see you whenever I like. And I told you more than a while ago that I would come by and spend some time with you.

I wanted to show you what I’ve been doing, maybe get some advise from you about it. Or mabye you could teach me something. You’re always wanting to teach me something.

But God, you know. It’s just be so busy this year. We have 3 New Years celebrations in this country did you know? And these New Years are interspersed with other holidays like Christmas and Easier. So you can see how busy it’s been for me.

And on top of all that, I have to spend hours each day browsing web pages, playing chess, writing my blog and looking up ‘possible’ future wives on MySpace.

I promise I’ll make more of an effort and try to go meet up with you as soon as I can. I’d go today but the holidays and celebrations have just ended and there’s so much to catch up on.

When all that’s cleared away. I swear I’ll come and sit with you.

Your Pal,

~ Nathaniel

Since everything’s been said and done; there’s really no point in quoting oneself when you can more easily copy what somebody else said.

It gives you much more credibility to quote someone else anyway.

People say “Oh, aren’t you smart” when you quote someone else; but tell you how to improve it (or argue with you), if you’ve quoted yourself.

So, it’s best for me; I’ve decided, to never say anything that I believe to be original.

Everything I say from now onwards is going to be somebody else’s quote.

And we’ll start with Oscar Wilde.

“Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else’s opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation.”