Nathaniel Laiet

Navigating through problems is one of those things requiring energy and time.

Self employment has taught me that I can never remove all obstacles when dealing with problems and a client. Also, I have learnt that many of the obstacles are created by me, adding to those that are already in existence due to bad communication.

So I found that my involvement multiplied the problems already there. But taking me out of the equation was also not an option.

I will use an example from university life because there are fewer variables than when dealing with a client in business.

Generally most university courses and structures are similar in regards to assignments.

Let us suppose that I’ve been watching too many episodes of MD House and have found that there is no way to finish my assignment by Friday 12^th (the due date).

I decide to ask for an extension.

Problem defined: Unable to complete the assignment by the due date and I don’t have a ‘reasonable’ excuse for this.

Obviously the first step is to ask my lecturer for an extension. This first step is like placing coal on my doorstep.

Legend
Problem = Coals
Talking = Igniting
Reason = Kerosene
Solution = Sand

Unlit problems (the coal) aren’t really much of a threat. Not yet. But I still need to get my extension and I don’t want those coals igniting my house.

I realise that talking to my lecturer is going to light my coals. What if s/he doesn’t want to give me an extension? Fists are gonna fly.

Choice isn’t really an option here though, so let’s continue.

I’ve heard it said that “The surest way to avoid an argument is to not say anything.”

Great quote. Excellent advice.

Arguing with my lecturer is like throwing kerosene on my already smouldering coals. This must be avoided. I thought back to the other times I’d asked for an extension and find that I was only argued with, when I gave a reason.

A reason is always arguable (including this one). If I say “I was watching ‘MD House’ and now I don’t have time,” my lecturer can argue that this is not his/her responsibility and I should learn from this for future occasions. Or I can lie (note here: lying is the only thing I may fire staff for on the spot without allowing a full explanation – I explain this in the initial interview). But when lying, short of saying that my father died, my reasons can often be argued with easily. “My friend is in the hospital”, “Well can’t you write it there? You have a laptop don’t you? And the visiting hours are restricted!” S/he may retort.

I want to avoid having the kerosene igniting my coals, so I don’t give a tangible reason at all.

“Teacher” I say “I’ve a dilemma and find that I’m unable to complete my assignment by the due date, could I have an extension?”

Be patient here. We’re only halfway though.

This sentence still isn’t good enough.

I’ve avoided using a reason but s/he still may ask for a reason. So my next step is to minimize the chance that s/he’ll ask me “Why do you need an extension.”

Ah – now it occurs to me that my lecturer may not even remember which class I am in and which assignment I’m referring too.

Obviously my lecturer finds it easier to ask me for a reason while s/he tries to figure out the following.

1. Who am I?
2. What class am I in?
3. What assignment is it?
4. When is it due anyway?
5. How much longer do you need to complete the assignment?
6. Better ask ‘why’ so I have time to figure all this out in my head!

Bet you never thought that such a simple request can trigger so many questions! No worries – I never did either.

I want to remove F, and to do so require removing A-E first.

A and B can be solved by introducing myself (if I don’t have a repoire with my lecturer) and by telling him/her what class I’m in.

This is polite and should have been done anyway. My lecturers also, are all very busy so I shouldn’t be wasting his/her time by assuming they know every single one of their students well and know all dates without looking at their diary.

C and D are also quite easy. I refer to the assignment due on such and such a date so it’s fresh in my lecturers mind.

E doesn’t need to be referred to directly. This should be entered through the back door by giving an immediate solution so my lecturer doesn’t have to think about it or question me about it.

My greeting will now sound something more like this.

“Hi, (pleasantries and salutations go here). I’m in your XYZ class. Our assignment on XYZ is due soon but something’s popped up and I’m not going to be able to complete it by Friday 12^th. If possible I’d like to hand it in to you before the following Friday the 19^th.”

Though a little longer than the initial phrase, I have removed the need for my lecturer to think about A-F.

If I need to have a sheet signed for an extension, I better have one at the ready. If not, my lecturer need only say “yes, that should be fine.”

By using this technique I find that I never have to lie and generally get what I need without throwing kerosene on my coals.

For years now I’ve been using this approach with teachers, clients, peers, staff, bosses, girls I want to date and others.

I try to remove all questions and sources for an argument. This makes it easy for them to say yes.

So remember the legend in your communication with others.

Legend
Problem = Coals
Talking = Igniting
Reason = Kerosene
Solution = Sand

Note: FOR MEN ONLY

All women, please refrain from reading.

It’s a well known rule world over that women want to be happy.

There’s also a well known untrue fact that women are expensive. Date a girl, show interest in a girl and you will be sucked dry.

Men believe this because men are stupid.

So I’ll say it again. Women want to be happy.

Now, if you aren’t making your woman happy, she’s going to try making herself happy.

Shopping is probably one of the most common symptoms of unhappiness in women. Naturally all women love to shop but how much they spend while shopping can help you to gauge how happy she really is.

So how do you stop her from shopping all the time?

Buy her stuff.

No! Stop thinking that. See I told you men were stupid.

Make her happy and she will shop less. She’ll probably still go out with friends and such, but she’ll spend less on non-necessity items.

But shopping is like an addiction. For those of you who have failed to give your woman happiness for an extended period of time can expect withdrawal symptoms. This woman of yours is likely to start shopping less frequently, but during bouts of unhappiness will purchase well and above the usual quantity of non-necessity items.

This principle is best for those of you just starting to woo a woman.

So here are a few ideas to get you started.

How to make your woman feel special on a shoestring budget?

Disclaimer: This article isn’t written as a tool to help you men to become stingier than you already are.

Hint #1 | Use the correct brand of oil regularly

If you’re planning on sticking with your woman for any lengthy period of time, it’s imperative that you know her craving. Every woman has a craving for some item, and once you’re married it will be your responsibility to supply these (double the quantity during PMS season). If you’re married and you don’t know what your wife craves… you suck.

These are not piggy bank breakers. Women I know crave some of the following: Lays chips (mother), sugared almonds (sister), cheese (friend), dried squid (friend).

A man was buying flowers in a florist when the customer next to him says “Got wife maintenance to do, do you?” He turned and responded “Nah man, pre-maintenance”

If you don’t want to have to make major repairs to your woman, you’re going to need to keep her regularly oiled.

Her ‘crave’ substance is her brand of oil.

Hint #2 | Let her help

This hint also explains why even a jack-ass can get a woman.

Women love to help. They want to be useful, they want to be helpful, they want to feel as though they were part of something and did something to help it come into being.

Broadly speaking (women stop reading this paragraph) it seems to me that women find the easiest way of being a part of something is to ‘tweak’ her man so that he is better able to accomplish what it is he’s trying to do.

Basically, a woman sees a mans potential for what he could be (or do) rather than only what he is at the time she meets him.

When the man eventually becomes successful, she knows that she was a part of it.

So let your woman help. And let her know that you ‘need’ her help. She needs to feel needed. In many cases, this will also get you out of trouble. When she’s ranting and raving try saying something like, “Babe, I really need your help with this.”

If she doesn’t want to help; Dump her.

Hint #3 | Talk backwards

This is actually quite hard to do for men. It amazes me how all women seem to be able to do this from such an early age.

You’re going out to eat with your wife and she says “Are you going to wear that?”

Real meaning: “That’s inappropriate, wear something else.”

Appropriate response: “No, do you think you could help me find something appropriate Babe?” (Note hint #2)

Women talk backwards. So here I’ll give two examples talking backwards. The first is how to compliment a woman and the second is how to insult a woman.

Case study 1 | Alighting from my motorcycle I turned and said to the girl on the back that she “…sits very well on the bike, it hardly feels as though she’s on there at all.” She gave me a smile and said “Thanks, that’s a really nice compliment.” On further interrogation it became clear that what she heard was “I think you’re not fat!”

Go figure.

By the way “Have you lost weight?” works just as well as a compliment when said bluntly.

Case study 2 | At lunch, a friend was telling me how his wife had been away for a month visiting relatives and on returning she had changed her hair style. My friend didn’t observe this (what man in his right mind would?), and she felt insulted by the fact that he hadn’t said anything.

Make sure you ask your woman at regular intervals “Did you do something with your hair?” or if you want to play it safe, you can say “Oh, your hair looks nice today.” <!–[if !supportLineBreakNewLine]–> <!–[endif]–>

Hint #4 | Mr Collins technique

Women love flattery. When it’s over the top they may feign not liking it, but they do. Or over time they forget that it was over the top and they just remember that you say pleasant things to them.

Mr Collins in ‘Pride and Prejudice’ says that he prepares flattering comments ahead of time to use when the time is right. Everyone laughed at him for this, but the truth is, unless you’re eloquent in speech, it’s something that you may have to put some thought into so you can also use it at the appropriate time.

Remember to give your prepared statements as unstudied an air as possible.

Hint #5 | The written word

This is possibly the cheapest way to make your woman feel special. Leave her notes or send her a letter. A posted letter, even if you’re in the same house will make her feel fantastically approved of and thus happy.

Sometimes when I go overseas, I’ll have written letters to friends before I even leave. You never have time to write when you’re away working. So I can then send my letters while away and she will sincerely believe that you while you were working, you couldn’t help but think about her the entire time; so much in fact that you had to write her a letter.

WARNING!!! | NEVER make promises in writing. Women remember everything you say as it is, and putting something on paper that you may not do is just foolish. As men we have to be very careful of this because we’re stupid and can easily err.

End |

Talking about women is extremely exhausting. I think I’ll go take a morning nap to regain my energy.

If you can learn these principles perhaps I’ll feel obligated to type up some more hints at a latter date.

Or you can make a woman happy with a piece of silver jewellery my sister and I sell on Ebay. I love the frangipani/plumeria collection. www.josephineclare.com

We only stock high quality genuine silver jewellery at very good prices.

Pretty much every toilet in Thailand has a sign which reads “Please help keep this toilet clean.”

So whenever I’m in Thailand taking a dump, I’m staring at this sign; wishing that I had a thick black marker to write an additional sentence.

So the sign would then read.

“Please help keep this toilet clean.

Don’t use it!”

Since global warming is the topic on so many lips, I thought a sign in English would be appropriate.

“Be green; relieve yourself outdoors!”

Many Chinese bathrooms also have a sign which usually reads…

“For urination only. No stools.”

I always have the urge to change the sign so it reads…

“For urination only. Leave your stools at home.”

This week I figured out what it takes to make a real man!

How you spend your day is really all that matters.

Get up and rush your morning, leaving just enough time to get ready and drive to work. This should be timed perfectly arriving to work 2.5 minutes prior to or after you’re due to start. This gives you a 5 minute window.

Believe me! There are thousands of men out there who can do this.

Spend all day at work. Try to sit in the same desk all day without moving. This proves that you have stamina. The man who sits without moving away from his desk longest, obviously is more masculine. It’s also great for your back and your heart.

While at work, make no effort ever to get to know your managers or your boss. This is called brown nosing and makes you look foolish with a bad attitude to well honed office social communication manners. Treating your manager as a human being will be treated as ‘brown nosing’ news by fellow colleagues.

Gossiping (the opposite of brown nosing) about your managers is far more useful and in many cases, seems to act as a miracle drug for breaking down social barriers. It also gets you kudos. If you get caught and get ‘off easy’ your kudos rating doubles.

The perfect time to leave work is right on 5pm or a couple of minutes before. Experienced men actually stop being productive at 4.30pm. I’ve even known some in my time, who stop being productive at 4pm.

Or you can leave after 7.30pm. But remember that this can appear to be brown nosing, so be sure to save meaty tid-bits for the next gossip session. This gets you more masculinity points because you sat in one spot longer than others but aren’t labeled as a brown noser.

After work, the gym is the only place you can go to earn more man points. Make sure you find a park as close to the entrance as possible. This makes it easier to get in and out of the gymnasium. It also minimizes the amount of time you have to spend walking.

The gym serves two purposes. You have a trainer who tells you how great you’re doing. All men know how hard it is to feel like a man without your gym trainer reminding you that you are a man.

Secondly: those muscles make you look like you work around the house and garden. Be sure to imply to others that you don’t actually work around the house and yard. You don’t want to look like a ‘kept’ man or a mama’s boy after all. This would seriously affect your man rating. It’s best to keep them teetering as to weather you do actually help out at home or not.

Arriving home with dinner on the table after your work-out is totally manly. This proves your manhood; because your woman (or mum) is looking out for you. Basically people understand that she respects you and cares for you so much because she knows you love her and spend quality time with her. The more time spent away from home but still having dinner prepared for you gains extra kudos for every 15 minutes away.

This is totally cool! Chicks dig it and it’s the easiest way to get those extra needed kudos.

The next day wake and do the same.

For work days, repeat as necessary.

Friday nights are best spent at the pub with friends. The later you stay and the more you drink; the better a friend you are to your mates.

Sunday is your day off. Watch sport, or spend time with friends. Don’t do anything else because tomorrow you work and preserving energy is necessary to earn manly ratings throughout the week.

Saturdays has an entire different set of rules but I’ve run out of space.

If you can’t wait for my article on ‘Gaining Manly Points on a Saturday’, go figure it out yourself.