Nathaniel Laiet

Dear God,

Why is it that You must give us such a large learning curve?

When I was 16, I remember a time with friends.

Our singer in our jazz band had just told us that she had no parents. And I couldn’t stand the silence.

Trying to diffuse the situation, I said “Haven’t you read that book? Where do I come from?”

She looked at me, and I’ll always remember how her eyes narrowed and her face contorted when she said “They’re dead, you moron.”

She left quickly and my friends all just looked at me, while one of them drove the nail through my coffin saying “I can’t believe you just said that!”

It wasn’t until many years later I learned that my reaction to shock is to make a joke, hoping to diffuse the situation.

If only I had known, when I was 16 that people in shock react differently; me included. Then I could have avoided saying something so stupid.

Those 30 seconds were the most painful in all my life.

But God, through that experience, I’ve always tried to react slower and understand others emotional needs better.

So perhaps I needed to make such a blunder to learn that?

God, you always did know more than me.

~ Nathanial

Ok. Here’s my true scenario. Choose your reaction and we’ll go from there.

~~~A motorcycle rider has two young ladies on the back of his bike. So naturally I’m watching closely. All of a sudden he does some tricky swerve. The girls nearly fall off and he merely continues as though nothing happened.~~~

I’m 100 meters behind him on my own motorcycle.

How would you have responded in your mind (or heart). How did I respond?

A. What was he thinking? Doesn’t he know that he has to girls on his bike and he should drive more sensibly!

B. What were his reasons were for swerving like that?

If you guessed ‘A’ as my thought, you get a gold star.

Yes, ‘A’ was what I was thinking about for exactly 3 seconds before my bike hit a gaping hole in the road.

Second thought. “Yay, now I have a case study for my theory (which I didn’t apply in this instance).”

“People (generally) have a reason for what they do”

So I try to remember this theory when I see people do what appears to be stupid.

If I’d remembered my theory in this instance, I wouldn’t have had to replace the inner tube in my motorcycle wheel.

Did you know that men are basically incompetent? Not only are we incompetent, but we are unable to learn to be competent in most areas.

Take picnicking for example. Only last week my family went for a picnic. My sister’s father and I both carried a large mat to sit on once we arrive to our spot.

“Where would you like to sit?” my sisters mother asked, “here” I replied, handing her the mat “you can show us where you’d like to sit.” She then asked my sisters father, but he said the same “you put the mat down and we’ll sit.”

I don’t know how many years my sister’s father has been married (never asked him). During these years though, he learnt a very important lesson. He has learnt this; that he can’t put down a picnic mat, he never will learn how to place a picnic mat and never will again attempt at placing a picnic mat.

And neither will I!

Don’t think that I’m dobbing on my sister’s mother here! This has occurred on numerous occasions with girls from various cultures.

If a female is in the vicinity, my manly placed picnic mat is going to be moved a multitude of times before we’re allowed to sit. If there is a female there, let her place it. Don’t even place it for her, because you’ll still get it wrong.

Hand her the mat and let her place it.

So this is how I know that we men are incompetent and unable to learn competence.

If you’re a man’ the faster you learn this, the happier you’ll be in your marriage.

Contents | Introduction | Street Creep | Competitors Edge | Hi-Salute | Colour Correction | Leftist Propaganda | Quality Check | Blind Faith | Hierarchy | Community Obligation | Slow Turn | Road Rage

Introduction | If you’re going to Thailand for a trip, chances are you’ll want to rent a car or a motorcycle to tour around and see the sights. Here I have composed some of the standard laws for driving in Thailand in English since most information on Thai traffic law is disseminated in the Thai language.

Street Creep | When making a turn, be sure to keep edging forward so it looks as though you’re about to merge into traffic. This causes all on-coming traffic to slow down meaning that it’s going to take longer for you to actually merge. This is great when you’re looking for a legitimate reason for coming in late for work.

Competitors Edge | When a car has stopped in front of you (to turn for instance), you must mosey to the edge of the road to pass quicker. This slows all the traffic behind you allowing you to stop them from going where they want to go just as quickly as you. This doesn’t get you passed the car any faster. You still have to wait for them to turn, but at least you can be satisfied that the cars behind you are equally frustrated.

Hi-Salute | When a car is on the highway waiting to do a U-turn, it’s imperative that you give them a hi-beam salute to temporarily blind them. They weren’t going to come out in front of a car going 140kph on the highway but if they were, they sure won’t now that you’ve blinded them.

Colour Correction | When the green lights turn orange, speed up. When the lights go red it’s still safe to go through. Just keep going until a car coming from a different direction forces it’s nose in-between you and another car.

Leftist Propaganda | Every street in Thailand is a two way street on either side. Feel free to go against the traffic on either side of the road to get where you want to quicker. Better yet – don’t watch out for traffic coming on from the side roads or for pedestrians crossing the road. I was hit once by a motorcycle coming down the wrong way. One of the most pleasant traffic experiences I’ve ever had in Thailand.

Quality Check | When someone in front of you has done something wrong, over take them and glare at them through the window on your way past. This helps them to become better drivers.

Blind Faith | When in the mountains, always over take on blind corners. This proves that you drive by faith (if you’re Christian, this proves your belief in God’s faithfulness), or for Buddhists it proves that you strongly believe in Karma (whatever will happen will happen).

Hierarchy | All luxury cars have right of way in Thailand. Luxury cars are only second to cars with an official police/army badge. The hierarchy thus, looks like this.

1. Luxury car with police/army badge
2. Standard model car with police/army badge
3. Luxury car
4. Everyone else (No right of way – on pain of death). Badges are available ’special price for you’ at the night bazaar.

Community Obligation | There’s an art to talking with the police when you’re pulled over for something like not wearing a helmet (why would you?) or driving through a red light (why wouldn’t you?).

Mostly, remember it’s all about relationships and helping each other out. My recommended line is this, after enquiring about the policeman’s family ask him “how can you afford to send your children to school in a job like this?”, he will then start moaning about how difficult it is. “Here, let me make a contribution to your children’s education” you reply.

Now we’re on our way again.

Slow Turn | Don’t bother learning how to drive your car well in Thailand. There’s no need to know the turn radius capabilities of your car. Just slow down to an almost stop at every turn you take.

Jay Turning | It’s perfectly ok to turn right from the far left lane or turn left from the far right! No indicator is necessary. All the drivers behind you know exactly what you have in mind.

Conclusion | If this helped you understand how to drive better in Thailand, remember to leave your comment, digg it, stumble it or something.

I do my printing in Thailand and China. Ask me for a quote if you need any printing or design work done (I only take design work if I print as well). Find samples on www.globalnotions.com

Road Rage | And for a little seriousness. Road rage is actually quite easy to overcome. When driving, believe that you’re only driving with others in mind. That is to say, concentrate on doing everything you can to make it easier for others to drive where they’re going. If everyone had this attitude, the road would be a much safer place. But in the meantime, having this mental attitude oneself helps combat personal road rage and you’ll feel better when you arrive at your destination.

“You’ve got what I call a luxury problem.”

Louise Wilbert – On making non-issues a larger problem than they are

The biggest problem I faced while in Australia was coffee related.

Fussy about how my coffee is made, I must have my cup pre-heated before use. And the order the ingredients go in is of utmost importance.

Coffee (2 spoons) goes in first followed by the sugar. Hot water is then poured in before the milk, which is added last.

All my problems began when a well-meaning Aussie friend told me that the coffee burns if the boiling water is poured before the milk.

This caused me two problems.

1. Habit - I’d go as far to say it’s now a tradition to pour the water first. And who likes change?

2. Browness - How can you judge the browness of your coffee if the milk is poured in first.

Louise set me straight though, telling me not toworry as it was a ‘luxury problem.’

You know, I’m glad that many of my problems are of the luxury persuasion.

And my coffee?

Well I’d rather drink it burnt than break a tradition.

On a side note. Pouring boiling water onto fresh coffee will not necessarily burn it. Water boils at different temperatures depending on what altitude you’re at. Where I am right now for instance, my water boils at about 95 degree and last month it was boiling at 80 something degrees. Not enough to burn my coffee.

This is an excerpt from my book ‘Footprints’ found at www.globalnotions.com available free as PDF if you don’t want to order a published copy.

Comments (0)

June 2, 2007

Showing Friendship

Filed under: Life, Actually happend, Love, Satire — Laiet @ 9:34 pm

I’m going to explain what friends will receive and should expect from me. If you’re not yet my friend and are contemplating adding me to your repertoire of acquaintances, be sure to carefully read through the following 9 points and accept the terms.

In an age where we require documentation for everything, I feel that this is very important and will only help to improve the society in which we live.

1 | Social Obligation

Friendship requires one to be social. I see it as my responsibility to talk to you about everyone I know. Sharing their secrets and telling all of what they did. Some like to call this gossip or slander. Social obligation has a more pleasant ring I feel.

2 | Bonding time

When spending time together, I will ignore all others (unless she’s - cute in which case I won’t be listening). This will make it difficult for others to pass us in the mall or on the side walk, or pretty much do anything easily within our vicinity. This is because we will never watch where we’re going but instead carefully thinking only about what we want and what we’re doing. Looking out for those around us when we’re with friends is not showing friendship to our friends at all.

3 | Happy hours

Despite the sign ‘Happy Hour’ (singular), our nights out should be long. I keep this in mind each time and will encourage you to have just one more and to stay a little later. I assume that you want to look like me and be like me. If I succeed, you should show the following attributes: beautiful round gut, difficultly getting up in the morning, lack of concentration at work, forgetfulness and laziness around work and home and lastly lose all self motivation during daylight hours.

4 | Hosting and visitation

When visiting you, I will make every effort to help you be a wonderful host. I will not bring anything nor pay for any meals. I will use your water, food, electricity and even expect you to pay for transport when you take me somewhere for my tourly pleasure. I do this because I know you want to display your friendship in monetary terms and since I’m traveling, I have less money than you do.

If you’re visiting me, I will expect your help with the groceries, transport and other costs. This is because if you’re traveling you have obviously saved money to do so. Naturally you have more money than I do at this time. As my friend I assume you want to bless me if you’ve traveled halfway around the globe to see me.

5 | Money

At times when we’re traveling together, I will never use a ‘kitty’ – after all, we’re friends and trust and respect each other right? At the end of meals etc., I will wait for you to order the bill so it’s delivered to you. I will then always reach for my wallet slower than you when paying is necessary (incidentally, this is called the ’slow draw’). This is to help you display your generosity and love publicly.

6 | Discourse

What you say is important but remember that it takes two to converse. I thus will wait for breaks in your discourse to air my own facts and opinions of which I don’t know where I’ve learned or what encouraged me to take the stance in the first place. Every remark you make, I will respond in 1 of 2 ways. 1- Immediately disagree and/or improve upon what you have said. As you are my friend, I feel it’s my responsibility to be your critic so you may learn from me. 2. I will suggest ways in which to fix your problem, starting with the most obvious - those which you have already thought of. Then I’ll move onto the impossible and ask you why it’s impossible. Often I’ll tell you that it’s not, even when I don’t know the full story.

7 | Sharing

Sharing is very important in friendship, when I’m bored or sad, I will do my utmost to make you bored and sad. When I’m happy – I will ignore your emotions and try to make you feel as happy as me. My emotions and feelings also hang upon how you treat me. I feel that you are responsible for my happiness. Sharing is very important.

8 | Taste and opinion

To improve your social status, I will help improve your taste and opinion in everything. If I prefer my wheet-bix soggy, I will make yours soggy as well. I will tell you what clothes you should wear – I should know because I read all the latest magazines on famous people and their do’s and don’ts with fashion. Often you will find that you’re not wearing something you’re comfortable in, eating foods that you dislike and going to places or spending time with people whom you hate. But be patient, this is for your own good. I know what you like and should like better than you do.

9 | Contact

Your emails mean a lot to me. I spend months thinking what to reply and will inevitably reply with an apology for replying so slowly. I will refrain from telling you any news at all. But, during times when I’m traveling to exotic places I will be sure to email you every 2 days or so with lengthy, unedited, poorly written emails telling you how much more fun my life is than yours.

Further notes:

You can now see how much of an effort I make to retain good friendships with you all. I hope that you can now clearly understand why I much prefer to spend time with myself. It’s stressful to make sure I go out of my way to achieve my 9 goals in our relationship.

Comments (1)

May 25, 2007

Interviewing Nathaniel Laiet

Filed under: Laughter, Internet — Laiet @ 4:52 pm

Dear Nathaniel Laiet,

Regarding the interview you had the other day with our correspondent, we have decided not to run a story on you.

We’re sorry to inform you that you’re just too boring.

Attached is the transcript of your interview for your reading pleasure.

Warm regards,

Gerney Stuart

Q| I’ve noticed that you’ve started drawing pictures to go with your blog.
Laiet | Yes, my writing was so boring that I needed something to make it more interesting. Spice it up a little.

Q| You draw snails and mushrooms a lot, can you tell me why?
Laiet | Just because they’re easy to draw, they don’t mean anything.

Q| But everything you draw is easy.
Laiet | Yes I know, they are enhanced by my writing.

Q| Didn’t you say that your writing was boring?
Laiet | Yes precisely, that’s why I need both.

Q| Can you tell me where you get your ideas for writing and drawing?
Laiet | Usually I find the ideas at the bottom of a beer glass. This is probably why they’re so dreadful.

Q| Why do you only use little easy words when writing?
Laiet | I don’t know any big words. I know a couple, but don’t can’t pronounce them, so I left them out.

Q| So tell me why you started a blog.
Laiet | Well everyone else was doing it and I wanted to be different.

Q| Have you ever thought of putting photos up of yourself?
Laiet | There is one.

Q| It’s a stick figure!
Laiet | Yes.

Q| Then tell me why you are always standing in that same position.
Laiet | I figure if I never change position I won’t be able to smoke.

Q| Have you ever been a smoker.
Laiet | No, just covering all bases.

Q| Why do you think so many people blog?
Laiet | Because they have boring lives.

Q| Is that why you blog?
Laiet | Yes.

Q| Well thanks for your time Mr. Laiet, I’ll be in touch if we decide to include you in any of our articles.

Comments (2)

May 17, 2007

Green Bathrooms…

Filed under: Culture, Laughter, Quotes — Laiet @ 6:12 pm

Pretty much every toilet in Thailand has a sign which reads “Please help keep this toilet clean.”

So whenever I’m in Thailand taking a dump, I’m staring at this sign; wishing that I had a thick black marker to write an additional sentence.

So the sign would then read.

“Please help keep this toilet clean.

Don’t use it!”

Since global warming is the topic on so many lips, I thought a sign in English would be appropriate.

“Be green; relieve yourself outdoors!”

Many Chinese bathrooms also have a sign which usually reads…

“For urination only. No stools.”

I always have the urge to change the sign so it reads…

“For urination only. Leave your stools at home.”

Comments (0)

April 23, 2007

Proof by means of the quote

Filed under: Laughter, Quotes, Satire — Laiet @ 8:14 pm

Since everything’s been said and done; there’s really no point in quoting oneself when you can more easily copy what somebody else said.

It gives you much more credibility to quote someone else anyway.

People say “Oh, aren’t you smart” when you quote someone else; but tell you how to improve it (or argue with you), if you’ve quoted yourself.

So, it’s best for me; I’ve decided, to never say anything that I believe to be original.

Everything I say from now onwards is going to be somebody else’s quote.

And we’ll start with Oscar Wilde.

“Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else’s opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation.”

 

Comments (1)

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