Nathaniel Laiet

This week I figured out what it takes to make a real man!

How you spend your day is really all that matters.

Get up and rush your morning, leaving just enough time to get ready and drive to work. This should be timed perfectly arriving to work 2.5 minutes prior to or after you’re due to start. This gives you a 5 minute window.

Believe me! There are thousands of men out there who can do this.

Spend all day at work. Try to sit in the same desk all day without moving. This proves that you have stamina. The man who sits without moving away from his desk longest, obviously is more masculine. It’s also great for your back and your heart.

While at work, make no effort ever to get to know your managers or your boss. This is called brown nosing and makes you look foolish with a bad attitude to well honed office social communication manners. Treating your manager as a human being will be treated as ‘brown nosing’ news by fellow colleagues.

Gossiping (the opposite of brown nosing) about your managers is far more useful and in many cases, seems to act as a miracle drug for breaking down social barriers. It also gets you kudos. If you get caught and get ‘off easy’ your kudos rating doubles.

The perfect time to leave work is right on 5pm or a couple of minutes before. Experienced men actually stop being productive at 4.30pm. I’ve even known some in my time, who stop being productive at 4pm.

Or you can leave after 7.30pm. But remember that this can appear to be brown nosing, so be sure to save meaty tid-bits for the next gossip session. This gets you more masculinity points because you sat in one spot longer than others but aren’t labeled as a brown noser.

After work, the gym is the only place you can go to earn more man points. Make sure you find a park as close to the entrance as possible. This makes it easier to get in and out of the gymnasium. It also minimizes the amount of time you have to spend walking.

The gym serves two purposes. You have a trainer who tells you how great you’re doing. All men know how hard it is to feel like a man without your gym trainer reminding you that you are a man.

Secondly: those muscles make you look like you work around the house and garden. Be sure to imply to others that you don’t actually work around the house and yard. You don’t want to look like a ‘kept’ man or a mama’s boy after all. This would seriously affect your man rating. It’s best to keep them teetering as to weather you do actually help out at home or not.

Arriving home with dinner on the table after your work-out is totally manly. This proves your manhood; because your woman (or mum) is looking out for you. Basically people understand that she respects you and cares for you so much because she knows you love her and spend quality time with her. The more time spent away from home but still having dinner prepared for you gains extra kudos for every 15 minutes away.

This is totally cool! Chicks dig it and it’s the easiest way to get those extra needed kudos.

The next day wake and do the same.

For work days, repeat as necessary.

Friday nights are best spent at the pub with friends. The later you stay and the more you drink; the better a friend you are to your mates.

Sunday is your day off. Watch sport, or spend time with friends. Don’t do anything else because tomorrow you work and preserving energy is necessary to earn manly ratings throughout the week.

Saturdays has an entire different set of rules but I’ve run out of space.

If you can’t wait for my article on ‘Gaining Manly Points on a Saturday’, go figure it out yourself.

Pretty much every toilet in Thailand has a sign which reads “Please help keep this toilet clean.”

So whenever I’m in Thailand taking a dump, I’m staring at this sign; wishing that I had a thick black marker to write an additional sentence.

So the sign would then read.

“Please help keep this toilet clean.

Don’t use it!”

Since global warming is the topic on so many lips, I thought a sign in English would be appropriate.

“Be green; relieve yourself outdoors!”

Many Chinese bathrooms also have a sign which usually reads…

“For urination only. No stools.”

I always have the urge to change the sign so it reads…

“For urination only. Leave your stools at home.”

Dear God,

I’m always talking at you. I love to talk I guess.

This time I’m just going to sit and listen to you.

…

……

………

Well, when you feel like talking, leave a comment.

~ Nathaniel

Note: FOR MEN ONLY

All women, please refrain from reading.

It’s a well known rule world over that women want to be happy.

There’s also a well known untrue fact that women are expensive. Date a girl, show interest in a girl and you will be sucked dry.

Men believe this because men are stupid.

So I’ll say it again. Women want to be happy.

Now, if you aren’t making your woman happy, she’s going to try making herself happy.

Shopping is probably one of the most common symptoms of unhappiness in women. Naturally all women love to shop but how much they spend while shopping can help you to gauge how happy she really is.

So how do you stop her from shopping all the time?

Buy her stuff.

No! Stop thinking that. See I told you men were stupid.

Make her happy and she will shop less. She’ll probably still go out with friends and such, but she’ll spend less on non-necessity items.

But shopping is like an addiction. For those of you who have failed to give your woman happiness for an extended period of time can expect withdrawal symptoms. This woman of yours is likely to start shopping less frequently, but during bouts of unhappiness will purchase well and above the usual quantity of non-necessity items.

This principle is best for those of you just starting to woo a woman.

So here are a few ideas to get you started.

How to make your woman feel special on a shoestring budget?

Disclaimer: This article isn’t written as a tool to help you men to become stingier than you already are.

Hint #1 | Use the correct brand of oil regularly

If you’re planning on sticking with your woman for any lengthy period of time, it’s imperative that you know her craving. Every woman has a craving for some item, and once you’re married it will be your responsibility to supply these (double the quantity during PMS season). If you’re married and you don’t know what your wife craves… you suck.

These are not piggy bank breakers. Women I know crave some of the following: Lays chips (mother), sugared almonds (sister), cheese (friend), dried squid (friend).

A man was buying flowers in a florist when the customer next to him says “Got wife maintenance to do, do you?” He turned and responded “Nah man, pre-maintenance”

If you don’t want to have to make major repairs to your woman, you’re going to need to keep her regularly oiled.

Her ‘crave’ substance is her brand of oil.

Hint #2 | Let her help

This hint also explains why even a jack-ass can get a woman.

Women love to help. They want to be useful, they want to be helpful, they want to feel as though they were part of something and did something to help it come into being.

Broadly speaking (women stop reading this paragraph) it seems to me that women find the easiest way of being a part of something is to ‘tweak’ her man so that he is better able to accomplish what it is he’s trying to do.

Basically, a woman sees a mans potential for what he could be (or do) rather than only what he is at the time she meets him.

When the man eventually becomes successful, she knows that she was a part of it.

So let your woman help. And let her know that you ‘need’ her help. She needs to feel needed. In many cases, this will also get you out of trouble. When she’s ranting and raving try saying something like, “Babe, I really need your help with this.”

If she doesn’t want to help; Dump her.

Hint #3 | Talk backwards

This is actually quite hard to do for men. It amazes me how all women seem to be able to do this from such an early age.

You’re going out to eat with your wife and she says “Are you going to wear that?”

Real meaning: “That’s inappropriate, wear something else.”

Appropriate response: “No, do you think you could help me find something appropriate Babe?” (Note hint #2)

Women talk backwards. So here I’ll give two examples talking backwards. The first is how to compliment a woman and the second is how to insult a woman.

Case study 1 | Alighting from my motorcycle I turned and said to the girl on the back that she “…sits very well on the bike, it hardly feels as though she’s on there at all.” She gave me a smile and said “Thanks, that’s a really nice compliment.” On further interrogation it became clear that what she heard was “I think you’re not fat!”

Go figure.

By the way “Have you lost weight?” works just as well as a compliment when said bluntly.

Case study 2 | At lunch, a friend was telling me how his wife had been away for a month visiting relatives and on returning she had changed her hair style. My friend didn’t observe this (what man in his right mind would?), and she felt insulted by the fact that he hadn’t said anything.

Make sure you ask your woman at regular intervals “Did you do something with your hair?” or if you want to play it safe, you can say “Oh, your hair looks nice today.” <!–[if !supportLineBreakNewLine]–> <!–[endif]–>

Hint #4 | Mr Collins technique

Women love flattery. When it’s over the top they may feign not liking it, but they do. Or over time they forget that it was over the top and they just remember that you say pleasant things to them.

Mr Collins in ‘Pride and Prejudice’ says that he prepares flattering comments ahead of time to use when the time is right. Everyone laughed at him for this, but the truth is, unless you’re eloquent in speech, it’s something that you may have to put some thought into so you can also use it at the appropriate time.

Remember to give your prepared statements as unstudied an air as possible.

Hint #5 | The written word

This is possibly the cheapest way to make your woman feel special. Leave her notes or send her a letter. A posted letter, even if you’re in the same house will make her feel fantastically approved of and thus happy.

Sometimes when I go overseas, I’ll have written letters to friends before I even leave. You never have time to write when you’re away working. So I can then send my letters while away and she will sincerely believe that you while you were working, you couldn’t help but think about her the entire time; so much in fact that you had to write her a letter.

WARNING!!! | NEVER make promises in writing. Women remember everything you say as it is, and putting something on paper that you may not do is just foolish. As men we have to be very careful of this because we’re stupid and can easily err.

End |

Talking about women is extremely exhausting. I think I’ll go take a morning nap to regain my energy.

If you can learn these principles perhaps I’ll feel obligated to type up some more hints at a latter date.

Or you can make a woman happy with a piece of silver jewellery my sister and I sell on Ebay. I love the frangipani/plumeria collection. www.josephineclare.com

We only stock high quality genuine silver jewellery at very good prices.

Dear Nathaniel Laiet,

Regarding the interview you had the other day with our correspondent, we have decided not to run a story on you.

We’re sorry to inform you that you’re just too boring.

Attached is the transcript of your interview for your reading pleasure.

Warm regards,

Gerney Stuart

Q| I’ve noticed that you’ve started drawing pictures to go with your blog.
Laiet | Yes, my writing was so boring that I needed something to make it more interesting. Spice it up a little.

Q| You draw snails and mushrooms a lot, can you tell me why?
Laiet | Just because they’re easy to draw, they don’t mean anything.

Q| But everything you draw is easy.
Laiet | Yes I know, they are enhanced by my writing.

Q| Didn’t you say that your writing was boring?
Laiet | Yes precisely, that’s why I need both.

Q| Can you tell me where you get your ideas for writing and drawing?
Laiet | Usually I find the ideas at the bottom of a beer glass. This is probably why they’re so dreadful.

Q| Why do you only use little easy words when writing?
Laiet | I don’t know any big words. I know a couple, but don’t can’t pronounce them, so I left them out.

Q| So tell me why you started a blog.
Laiet | Well everyone else was doing it and I wanted to be different.

Q| Have you ever thought of putting photos up of yourself?
Laiet | There is one.

Q| It’s a stick figure!
Laiet | Yes.

Q| Then tell me why you are always standing in that same position.
Laiet | I figure if I never change position I won’t be able to smoke.

Q| Have you ever been a smoker.
Laiet | No, just covering all bases.

Q| Why do you think so many people blog?
Laiet | Because they have boring lives.

Q| Is that why you blog?
Laiet | Yes.

Q| Well thanks for your time Mr. Laiet, I’ll be in touch if we decide to include you in any of our articles.

There are too many things in life that we can’t have even if we wanted them.

…we desire and pine for them anyway.

There are far too many things in life that we have which we shouldn’t.

…but we keep them anyway.

There are far too many things in life that we have gained by wrong ethics.

…and we justify it anyway.

There are far too many things in life that are free and accessible to us that we refuse to accept or keep.

…we say we’ll accept them tomorrow but tomorrow never comes.

There are far too many things in life that we no longer need which others clearly could do well with it.

…but we hoard it all anyway.