Building Confidence
“There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: A time to be born and a time to die, A time to plan and a time to uproot, A time to kill and a time to heal, A time to tear down and a time to build, A time to weep and a time to laugh, A time to mourn and a time to dance, A time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, A time to embrace and a time to refrain, A time to search and a time to give up, A time to keep and a time to throw away, A time to tear and a time to mend, A time to be silent and a time to speak, A time to love and a time to hate, A time for war and a time for peace.”
Building Confidence
From an early age it’s pounded into us we’re taught that we’re not good enough. Not handsome enough, not affluent enough or whatever. And so, we spend years of our lives chasing after these things.
A day might come where you realize that you’re actually not bad looking and/or that you’re not bad off financially either. So you start dating girls. It’s easy. You see, most people are lonely and everyone is lonely in various seasons of their life.
The point is that you gain all this confidence and then one day you meet this girl. She’s the most amazing girl! Like no one you’ve ever met before. She’s smart, she’s beautiful; she has integrity and is always looking out for others before she ever bothers to look out for herself.
This is when you’re crushed. After all those years of building confidence in your physique and learning and social standing; you realize that you’re not good enough for this girl.
“For physical training is of some value, but godliness has value for all things.”
Now love wouldn’t be true love if you can’t love her despite her faults or if she can’t love you despite your failings.
Love isn’t always that ‘floating on clouds’ feeling. No, love must be tested and proved. You want to know if this girl would love you despite your faults, your ugly history and despite you’re not having paid close attention to your character as you have to your physique and consumer life-style.
Refining Love
You need to test her love for you.
Partly because you love her and don’t wish to be in a relationship with someone who you have to keep secrets from and partly because you want to know if she really loves you enough to stick by you once knowing who you really are.
Chances are that she still will love you. Love is blind they say. My friend tells me “True love can’t exist without blind love.” I believe he means that if we weren’t blind in the beginning, we would too clearly see the faults of others and never risk our hearts with them.
Men seem to believe that people don’t change. “Once my good opinion is lost, it’s lost forever” is how Darcy said it in ‘Pride and Prejudice’. But women often seem to believe that people can change. And thank God for that!
You’ll probably find that this girl you love has more faith that you can and will change than you do yourself.
Young men often have this belief that they are a great catch for any girl. In fact, many men never really grow out of this. I’ll bet crusty old Donald Trump still believes that he’s a great catch!
This girl though, shatters your self perception and you’re starting to realize some truths about yourself.
Realizing Self
Your struggles begin!
In less than 5 seconds you’ve already questioned yourself on the following:
1. Can I be forgiven?
2. Can she forgive me?
3. Can I change?
4. If yes – how do I change?
5. If no – do I need to and will she still love me?
6. How long does it take to change and how can I be sure that I’ve changed?
7. Is it right to change because of a girl?
8. I have other reasons to want to change but how can I be sure if I never fully changed before this girl? Would I have changed without her?
9. Should we continue our relationship while I change?
10. Do I even love her for her or do I only love her because of her goodness?
11. But isn’t her goodness a large part of who she is?
… and more
Right about this time you disappear for a few days and she’s worried sick; wondering why you’re not answering your phone.
Seasons Change
Finally you meet this girl again. She’s happy (she thinks) but she has no idea why you’ve been gone for days with no words to comfort her.
You came back for two reasons:
- You realized that change in yourself is possible
- You still really love this girl and do really want to spend much of your time with her
You want to change – but don’t know how to yet, or if you’ll succeed! You love this girl but don’t want to let her remain emotionally attached in case you can’t be the man you know she deserves.
Over dinner she knows that you’re not fully present and she wants you to explain this. But you can’t explain all that to a girl. They think differently to guys. And you can’t explain it anyway when you’re debating in your own mind whether you should break up with this girl or not. You don’t know if you should or shouldn’t because both occurrences have the same logical reasoning.
“I love this girl too much to stay together – because she deserves better.”
“I love this girl too much; we should stay together – because I will always look out for her.”
And thus it’s proved that logical reasoning is not always absolute. For you can’t grow or discontinue the relationship from here without a little trust, faith or taking some chances.
I guess some decisions just need a little emotional help or some of what we call ‘women’s intuition’! And time! Trust, faithfulness and chance are like gemstones. Requiring time, diligence and patience before you’ll see them shine.
“Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.”
All quotes taken from the NIV published by Zondervan
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8, Romans 5:3-5, Timothy 4:8